Translation: What to do when your brother is a fuckboy
First let’s define fuckboy. I’ll oblige you with a little urban dictionary.
“A manipulating dick who does whatever it takes to benefit him, regardless of who he screws over.” “The fuckiest of the fucks, a “fuckboy” is the lowest possible form of the vile, degenerate waste pouring from the proverbial asshole of society.”
It’s hard to place those harsh words with “my brother” in a sentence, but let’s be real. A fuckboy is a fuckboy and must stand corrected. It may be hard to catch your brother being a fuckboy because usually he cleans up his act around you. But sometimes that fuckboy within makes his appearance in your angelic presence. Sister, it’s time to take a stand and turn his shit around. He’s probably fucking around with some precious gem similar to you, and you have to make sure his fuckboy ways don’t ruin any lives. Sisters are effective fuckboy eliminators because these dudes are forced to see you. A fuckboy can run away from his bitches, but he can’t run away from his #1 bitch; his sister.
It’s hard enough to deal with a fuckboy when he’s not related to you and he’s trying to make you his victim. But it’s a whole other fuckballgame when you’re related to one. Or if you grew up in the same house as a fuckboy. God bless.
You’ve probably questioned your identity. If my bro is a fuckboy, am I… the female equivalent of a fuckboy? (Or if you’re a dude… Am I a fuckboy too?) If that’s the case, God help ya assholes.
While reading these solutions, always remember… Together we can fight the fuckboy.
Drop the labels. Effective immediately.
Don’t refer to him as your brother. Fuckboys hate labels. At a party/bar/general social gathering, say, “This is my…. Max. This is Max.” Fuckboys never use labels to describe anyone, especially girls. Everyone is a “friend” to a fuckboy. So don’t admit the fucker is related to you and see if he gets it.
Be vague. Be very vague.
Trick him by asking him if he wants to “hang out.” Do not specify what hanging out means. And then do something questionable that he hates. Like, force him to do yoga or bake cookies. Fuckboiz do a lot of “hanging out,” and no woman is every sure what that means. So beat him at his own game, sister!
Communicate via SnapChat. Don’t you dare send him a real text! God knows when he would respond to that anyway. If he sends you any texts, be sure to ignore them for at least ten hours before responding. You wouldn’t want to communicate with him conveniently!
After you drop the labels and make things vague, he’s gonna be all like, “Shit, sis, we need to set some boundaries.” After you fake him out and establish that you think boundaries are dumb, tell him you’re not looking for a “serious” sibling “relationship.” And then start talking about all your other brothers. (Even if you don’t have any more!) He will probably begin to question your sanity if you begin rambling on about brothers you don’t have. Which is great! Finally, you have brought to light his ridiculous, selfish fuckboi behavior!
At this point, feel free to finally bring up the “f” word with him. Tell him you’re worried about his fuckboy status, and that your cray antics were only to help him realize what he has become. Depending on how close you are/were, he may or may not call you a crazy bitch. Which is okay too. Because I’d rather be a crazy bitch than a fuckboy any day!
United we stand against fuckboys.
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