Call me a hipster if you must, but my friends and I used the phrase “I’m dead,” long before it became the mantra for every dumb bitch on the planet. Before it was cool to declare oneself deceased, my friends and I used the phrase to convey the hilarity of YouTube videos and Photoshop collages, produced by ourselves of course, with content much too weird and disturbing for the normal population. We used it while lying on the ground, often at 3 a.m., tears streaming from our crinkled eyes, struggling to breathe in a fit of genuine hysteric laughter. “I’m dead!”
The now-popular saying spread like reduced-fat cream cheese on a Starbucks bagel and it is used by many to describe cute, but not catastrophically funny cat videos, Instagram posts by users who are medium-funny on a good day, and snapshots of each other’s kale salads.
My friends and I felt robbed. Our precious phrase betrayed us. Now every loser with a terrible sense of humor can string those words together freely and taint the reputation of all who utter them! Over the years we developed variations of the phrase that made us feel like our original selves again.
I am slain / That slayed me – For the literary nerd; a way to communicate, “I may have an MFA, but I’m still dead.”
Ashes – Simple, but effective. You’ve been obliterated into ashes.
In a coffin – Signed, sealed, delivered. You’re dead.
At my own funeral – The party has started, and you’re not gonna be late.
The coffin or skull emoji – For those of us who like less talk and more action, these emoji choices cover the dead-ness without the necessity of words.
In the ground – You’ve already been buried. You’re in the ground to stay now. That’s how funny that shit was.
Being buried – To differentiate from “in the ground,” think of this in the present tense. As in, “That was so funny I have been slain and I’m currently being buried.” Think of yourself as literally being lowered into the ground because you died from laughter.
I have perished – This one makes me feel like a pilgrim. Appropriate for the holidays!
I am gone – This one is a combination of all of the above. You’re in the coffin, at your own funeral, in the ground. GONE. You’re just gone.
Shit You Don't Want Your Grandma To Read 