Some people really don’t grasp the concept of human decency. Good news! I’m here to help!
- Under no circumstances, I repeat, under no circumstances, should you ever ask anyone how much they weigh. It’s not ever a compliment. Know a great compliment? “Hey, your dress is really groovy.” “Your shoe game is tight as hell.”
- Relevant to point 1., never ever ask a woman if she is pregnant. Ever. Unless you think you’re the dad, gtfo.
- Don’t purposefully drive like a prick. Especially if you drive a sports car. Don’t let your oversize wallet and small testicles overshadow your decency on the road. Or really anywhere else for that matter.
- Don’t be homophobic. This means don’t hate on gays. Don’t be transphobic. This means don’t hate on trans people. My least favorite excuse is “That ain’t natural.” Two humans loving each other is natural. Establishing your own identity is natural. Know what truly ain’t natural? A fuckin’ chicken nugget. So get over it.
- Don’t be a passive/aggressive bitch. That should be self-explanatory. But if it’s not, let me help you out. Don’t send someone a bitchy text from the next room just because you’re scared shitless to make the comment in person. Same with shitty little handwritten notes.
- Never stand anyone up. Show up when you make plans. You don’t need a phone to execute plans you made days in advance. Grow up and show up. Respect the time and schedules of others.
- Don’t post selfies from a hospital or funeral home. That’s some of the most desperate shit ever. Unless you just gave birth to a child, hospitals are out of the question. Honestly, dafuq.
- Don’t bitch about women who breastfeed in public. Especially if you are a woman. That’s some bad girl-on-girl take-down right there. If you missed that part in anatomy class, women actually have breasts to feed their children. If you have a problem with that, you’re a total dickhead.
- Don’t slut shame. I used to be a slut shamer. When I was like, 16 and pretty uneducated. Then I realized I was being a total dickhead. (If you’re unaware, slut shaming is the ultimate sexist action and the worst girl-on-girl crime. As a women who loves supporting other women, it is never. ever. EVER okay to label your fellow women as such. Also bc the concept of a slut is the product of the patriarchy, and you are a total dickhead for supporting that)
- Don’t victim blame. Victim blaming is when you behave like a totally ignorant ass and assume that a victim was asking for whatever happened to him or her. (i.e. rape, assault). Victim blaming typically occurs when you are racist and/or sexist as fuck.
- Don’t harass someone (esp. via text or social media) to invalidate their experience as an oppressed person just because your privileged ass does not understand. If the person you were harassing was brave enough to share their experience with you or others, regardless of medium, you are a total dickhead to judge that person. That’s the uncoolest of the uncool. Keep your unsolicited, aggressive, asswipe remarks to yourself.
- Do not shout out the window of your car at a person on the street. Unless you’re giving them helpful or positive advice (Like, “Hey watch out for that bird!” or “Have a fantabulous day!”) shut your face. Nothing is more cowardly and dickheadish than street harassment. Please spare all pedestrians of your behavior.
- Back to the harassment thing, just don’t do it ever. Street harassment. Harassment via social media. Harassment of an ex. It’s very stressful to deal with.
Trust me. I’ve got more issues than Vogue, but I still try not to act like a total dickhead. Best of luck in your endeavors!
Shit You Don't Want Your Grandma To Read 